CALLIOPE: There is a bit of a balancing act to our story, dear listeners. There are so many gods, after all; even more than we follow here. But these are the gods that we must follow to get to the truth of the matter. Sometimes the truth of the matter starts in difficult conversations. Other times, it starts in light ones filled with laughter.
Welcome, dear listeners, to Forged Bonds.
We will be starting out with the light conversation I have promised to you. Our favorite pair of twins are currently out doing shooting practice with our beloved god of wine, something that needs to be experienced.
ARTEMIS: (laughing) You are a terrible shot.
DIONYSUS: I’ve never done this before!
ARTEMIS: Never?
DIONYSUS: Wine doesn’t really mix well with shooting arrows.
APOLLO: Yeah that seems like a bit of a recipe for disaster. But you’re not always doling out drinks– I’ve seen you with your cats, Di, I know you do other things. So how have you never picked up a bow before?
DIONYSUS: Honestly I’ve just had a preference for swords. You don’t get to be friends with Hephaestus for as long as I have without picking up a love for a good sword. Sure, she crafts arrows too but the excitement she gets with swords is unparalleled. Well. There’s one thing that parallels it, but I have been sworn to secrecy.
APOLLO: You can’t just do that.
DIONYSUS: (fully knowing what he’s doing) Do what?
ARTEMIS: Tease the fact that you have a secret and then say that you can’t share it because it’s a secret.
DIONYSUS: Do the promises of keeping a friend’s secret mean nothing to you?
ARTEMIS: Of course they mean something to me, I’m doing the same for Aphrodite.
APOLLO: Does everyone here have secrets except for me?!
ARTEMIS: Apparently.
DIONYSUS: I wonder if our secrets are related at all. Of course, there is no way to find out without revealing said secrets and we have both been sworn to secrecy.
APOLLO: So no one is going to fill me in? I’m your brother! And your– Your friend you sleep with! Does this mean nothing to either of you?
DIONYSUS: Of course it means something to me, Pollo. (pause) I’m still not going to tell you, though.
APOLLO: You are a bastard, you know that? And what about you, dear sister, who has never once betrayed me in my life?
ARTEMIS: There’s a first time for everything.
APOLLO: Unbelievable. Unbelievable! Two of the most important people in my life keeping secrets from me, and for what?
ARTEMIS: I’ll make you a deal: if Di can actually hit the target with his next shot, I’ll tell you.
APOLLO: We both know he’s going to miss. Either on purpose or because he’s that bad.
DIONYSUS: Hey now–
APOLLO: Sorry, Di, but it’s true. You are a terrible shot. I’m sure with a sword in your hand you’re… Well, Arte would still be able to take you, probably. You’d beat me but we’d go toe to toe for a bit.
DIONYSUS: Just for that I’m doubly not telling you any secrets.
ARTEMIS: No one is sharing anyone else’s secrets. I have a feeling my and Dionysus’s are related and honestly I don’t want confirmation of that. Really, Pollo, it’s better to live without knowledge sometimes. (pause) Don’t tell Athena I said that, he’d kill me.
APOLLO: I will just live with the knowledge of this betrayal.
DIONYSUS: That’s the spirit!
ARTEMIS: We’re not leaving until you can hit that fucking target though Di. Even if you’re a terrible shot, if anyone can teach you it’s the two of us. Pick your bow back up, you’re trying again.
CALLIOPE: I wish I could say that this episode stays this light and silly. And to some, it might, but to most, well… Take the levity where you can find it, dear listeners, as we are about to start digging a bit of a tunnel through the worst marriage in the history of the gods. To start, we shall be visiting with Zeus as he has once again called Poseidon to his office.
POSEIDON: Can you ever just call my phone like a normal person or do you have to do the whole ‘summons via mail’ and make Hermes come drop off your elaborate envelopes? Because honestly I think both me and Hermes are getting sick of it. Just like. Dial a phone. You have my number. Or like just come down to me or something. Like why the fuck is it always this same song and dance? Why are we, like, jumping through hoops every time. You don’t need sixteen people involved– because I know you didn’t write the letter either. So you have a calligrapher writing a letter, you have someone else giving it to Hermes, Hermes delivering it to me, and then I have to hire someone to come– You– There– Why are so many people involved in this? Just fucking– (sigh) What do you need?
ZEUS: Ah, good, you came.
POSEIDON: And we’re brushing straight past everything I just said. Cool, yeah, obviously.
ZEUS: Oh don’t be such a child about this, Poseidon. I’ve called you here to thank you, actually. Getting Hades to agree to let Demeter and Hera speak was truly a monumental weight off of my plate currently. Of course, this has led to further issues with Demeter, but that’s often the way with women isn’t it?
POSEIDON: You called me here. To thank me?
ZEUS: Precisely, yes.
POSEIDON: Gods, Zeus, this could’ve been a text. This could’ve been a fucking email for all I care, just smoke signal it to me. Why the fuck am I– (sigh) Is there any other reason you’ve called me here? Like a good reason for me to be here in person?
ZEUS: I suppose I just wanted to… Talk.
POSEIDON: (flatly) Talk.
ZEUS: You are my younger brother, after all, and it’s been quite some time since we’ve actually just. Caught up. Did the things that brothers do, or whatever else you had insisted when you were yelling at me about the post.
POSEIDON: (warily) Okay, and what’s the catch?
ZEUS: Must there always be a catch?
POSEIDON: With you? There usually is.
CALLIOPE: It may surprise you to hear that hurt flashed across Zeus’s face at that. Just the briefest moment of weakness in the eyes of the king of the gods, but enough to catch the eye of Poseidon.
POSEIDON: There’s really no catch?
ZEUS: Why would there be?
POSEIDON: I can think of a million reasons why there would be, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, just this once.
ZEUS: It’s very much appreciated, Poseidon. How have you been lately?
POSEIDON: Are we just going to small talk our way around this entire time?
ZEUS: Small talk is typically a good place to start, is it not?
POSEIDON: How’s this for a good place to start: why don’t you ever call? Not visiting doesn’t surprise me– I’m sure you’re far too busy for that kind of thing– but you never call me. You didn’t even try to contact me until very recently. I’ve been away from Olympus for decades now, Zeus, and you’ve never once tried to contact me. Why?
ZEUS: Jumping right into it then, are we?
POSEIDON: (sarcastic) You said you wanted to talk. So talk.
ZEUS: Would you even have wanted to hear from me then? If I had tried to reach out to you, would you even have cared? You’re the one who left, little brother; you can’t expect that people would follow.
POSEIDON: I didn’t expect anyone to follow, but I did expect my brother to care. Would I have wanted to hear from you then? Maybe! I’ll never know what I would’ve done if you had called me because you didn’t. You just let me disappear without even trying to keep me connected. Did you even remember me until you needed something from me?
ZEUS: I didn’t bring you here just for a fight, Poseidon.
POSEIDON: Well, you’re getting one.
ZEUS: You’re being unreasonable–
POSEIDON: And you’re refusing to answer a very simple question. Did you just erase me from your life until you needed something?
ZEUS: You erased yourself. I just didn’t put up a fight when you did.
POSEIDON: Why am I here, Zeus? Why am I actually here? It’s not so you can thank me, it’s not so we can catch up, and apparently it’s not for a fight either. So why?
ZEUS: You’ve spent time with Hades recently, why shouldn’t I want to make sure he isn’t… Tainting your image of me?
POSEIDON: (laughing) You think that Hades is the one who is going to ruin your image in my mind? Zeus you did that. You never called, never tried to talk to me, taught me how to fuck up a relationship better than anyone else– You laughed about what happened to Medusa and told me that ‘these kinds of things just happen, you’ll get used to it’ as though I could ever stop feeling that weight in my chest. You take and you take and you take, from everyone around you, and you’re worried that Hades is going to ruin your image? You really think that I could learn what you did to Hera and not realize who you really are?
ZEUS: Hera has blown things out of proportion, I’m certain of that. What happened with us was simply the dissolving of a relationship over the course of our time together.
POSEIDON: That’s a funny way to say ‘cheating on your wife’.
ZEUS: Like you’ve never cheated on anyone.
POSEIDON: (grimly) I learned from the best, didn’t I? But the difference between you and me, Zeus, is that I also learned that was wrong. I learned how to stop hurting people. Does Demeter know that you’re going to cast her aside?
ZEUS: That’s quite enough.
POSEIDON: Did I strike a nerve?
ZEUS: I don’t know what you think you know, but I can assure you you’re incorrect. And I’ll remind you, little brother, that Hera is still married to me. She hasn’t made any changes in our relationship, so why go to bat so hard for her? Is it because you think she’ll love you? You’re just as bad as I am. And as much as you claim to have changed, we both know that people don’t truly change. Maybe that’s why Hera and I are still married– she still knows her place. And I’m certainly not going to change anything for the whims of a goddess I’m sleeping with, and I know you wouldn’t either, so it’s best if you just keep your mouth shut and head back to the ocean, alone, where you belong.
POSEIDON: (shaky) I’m not scared of you anymore.
ZEUS: No? Hm. Pity that your voice didn’t get the message, then. You’re trying so hard to be a big man, Poseidon, but you’ll never be anything more than the little brother who ran off to sea rather than trying to grow up. I think it’s best you leave now, don’t you?
POSEIDON: You’re never going to be happy, you know that?
ZEUS: Perhaps I just have a different definition of happy than you do. Goodbye, little brother.
POSEIDON: Fuck you.
CALLIOPE: We have one more story to tell here today. One that, like the last one, digs a little deeper into the marriage of Zeus and Hera. Instead of venturing below to the Underworld, we’re venturing lower than Olympus but higher than hell to the mortal world where Hera has just arrived to talk to Demeter.
DEMETER: I’m surprised you came.
HERA: You asked me to.
DEMETER: And it’s that simple?
HERA: It can be. For an old friend.
DEMETER: Are we still that? After last time it seemed like you didn’t want anything to do with me.
HERA: I’m worried about you, Deme. I mean Zeus–
DEMETER: Loves me. I know he does.
HERA: Deme–
DEMETER: He would marry me. He said so himself! But the two of you are still married and so we can’t– Why don’t you divorce him, Hera? If he truly is as awful as you say he is, why don’t you just leave him for real?
HERA: And let the press drag me through the mud over something that was his fault to begin with? Have I not lived enough of my life in the eyes of people who think I’m doing everything wrong? Why should I have to be the one to step away and make my life hell for myself? If he wants to marry you, he’s free to. He’ll just have to stop being so afraid of the consequences of his actions.
DEMETER: It really is all about power for you, isn’t it?
HERA: That’s rich coming from you. You’re the one chasing him for power, you said it yourself. What power do I have here, Deme? I can’t even leave in any way that matters without all of Olympus deciding I’m the villain in this story.
DEMETER: Have you considered that maybe you are the villain in this story?
HERA: I’m not the villain in your story, Demeter. You’re making yourself the victim of things that don’t even concern you–
DEMETER: My daughter’s life is my concern!
HERA: Your daughter fell in love. And you couldn’t deal with it so you decided that I must be the issue here for letting them get married. Or maybe Hades is the issue for ‘stealing your daughter away’. Or Persephone is the issue for not listening to you. You see all these faults in everyone else but never once consider that you might be the problem. In that way, you’re perfect for Zeus.
DEMETER: He wants me to convince you to start the divorce. That’s why you’re here, Hera. Not to tell me things that you believe about my relationship with my daughter or with Zeus. You’re here because you owe me this much for fucking up my life by letting my daughter marry that miserable man.
HERA: I don’t owe you anything.
DEMETER: Then why come at all?
HERA: I guess I just hoped you came to your senses. I really am worried about you, Deme. Zeus… He isn’t good for anyone. And despite every terrible, awful thing you’ve been hurling my way, I don’t want you to get hurt. Not if I can help it. (pause) But clearly I can’t. Clearly you’ve made up your mind and want to go forth with marrying a man who isn’t worth the effort. Nothing I say is going to change that, is it?
DEMETER: (confidence shaken) I– No. No, nothing you say will change that.
HERA: Tell Zeus to start the paperwork. He can put it on me all he wants as long as he puts pen to paper. I’m done playing these games. (pause) When you realize who he really is, you know where to find me.
CALLIOPE: With that, my dear listeners, we shall draw our story to a close for the day. There is hope growing here, though it may not be visible to the eye just yet. But know that there is hope. There’s always hope. Until next time, and as always, thank you for listening.
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