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CALLIOPE: You, my dear listeners, may be wondering if your humble narrator is some kind of incorrigible tease as she continues to not give you what seems to be a very important plot thread. “What’s going on with Demeter and Hera?” You may be asking. “Is today the day we finally get to find out?” The answer, of course, is no. Instead we will be checking in with our favorite twins.

Welcome, dear listeners, to Forged Bonds.

We rejoin our story with Artemis, throwing down a newspaper and picking up her bow.

APOLLO: Arte, put it down.

ARTEMIS: You don’t even know what I’m planning on doing. I could be going for a very routine hunt in the forest, something– I might add– I do most days. 

APOLLO: But you have the look of someone who is going to hunt down reporters for sport on your face, Arte. So put the bow down.

ARTEMIS: You read this and tell me you don’t want to hunt a reporter for sport.

CALLIOPE: If I may interject, dear listeners, I will read off a selection of headlines to you. “Goddess of love or goddess of loveless?”. “The Heartless and the Heartbroken: Things looking rocky for Ares and Aphrodite”. “Love is Dead: The Aphrodite and Ares Story”. Just to name a few.

APOLLO: …I don’t like this either, Arte, but we can’t just go hunting down reporters over it!

ARTEMIS: Can’t we? Not only is what they’re saying categorically untrue, but it’s also incredibly rude! What kind of friend am I if I don’t hunt down the people who are trying to hurt my friend?

APOLLO: The kind that doesn’t get arrested?

ARTEMIS: Oh please, ‘arrested’ is just having to go stand in front of Zeus and declare that I did something wrong and won’t do it again. I’ll shoot him too, he deserves it for getting Aph into this mess. 

APOLLO: I’m not saying you’re wrong; all of them deserve to have your fury unleashed upon them. But Arte, seriously, what would that accomplish? It wouldn’t make them stop talking shit about her. And you maiming reporters would only hold the papers’ attention for a couple days at best before they went back to talking about the divorce. It’s not fair, I know it’s not fair, but the way to handle this isn’t shooting the press with arrows, it’s talking to Aphrodite and trying to support her.

ARTEMIS: I hate when you get wise. You’re younger than me, when did you even get all of this wisdom? 

APOLLO: Dionysus can be pretty wise when he’s not, uh. Otherwise preoccupied. 

ARTEMIS: Gross.

APOLLO: You asked!

ARTEMIS: You didn’t have to phrase it like that. Could’ve just stopped at ‘Dionysus can be pretty wise’, but you chose to keep going. You chose that, Pollo. 

APOLLO: Can we set this aside for now and just go see Aphrodite already!?

CALLIOPE: Artemis snagged her bow before heading out, firing warning shots at any reporters she saw along the way. And if Apollo also happened to fire a shot or two with his own bow when Artemis wasn’t looking, well, that’s a secret between us, my dear listeners. 

APHRODITE: Artemis? Apollo? What are you doing– Oh, fuck off! (arrow flies) Nice shot, Arte. Come on, you two should come in before they get back up and try to take pictures again. 

(door closing)

APHRODITE (CONT.): So, what brings the two of you here? I’m assuming it’s not the divorce since the two of you know it’s fake– (pause) It’s the divorce, isn’t it.

APOLLO: If it helps, it’s not for the reason you probably think. Arte is pretty close to going on a murder spree so I thought it would be more helpful if we came here and actually checked in on you.

ARTEMIS: And if you need me to go on a murder spree, I’m happy to do so. (pause) And if you need me to not do that, I can also refrain. Whatever will help you the most right now, Dite. That’s what we wanna do.

APHRODITE: I’m really fine, guys. It’s a little annoying having the press surrounding my house all the time again, but it’s not like there’s any real heartbreak involved. And nothing has changed for me and Ares either, he still lives here and we’re still best friends, Hermes is just over more often. Honestly I’m surprised the papers jumped straight to divorce rumors and instead of assuming that we’d taken on Hermes as a third. They’re right, for once in their lives, but it’s still surprising. 

APOLLO: Some are speculating that but they’re, um. Not doing it in the nicest way. 

ARTEMIS: What my brother means is that they’re saying you’re ‘refusing to put out’ so the two of you have brought in someone else to ‘appease Ares’ needs’. It’s a load of bullshit, but what else could we expect from papers that won’t even call Zeus out for his cheating half the time. 

APOLLO: They don’t seem to know it’s Hermes. Not yet, at least. Which is surprising given how often he tells me that he’s here, but I guess ‘guys being bros’ can go a long way, can’t it? (pause) Where are Ares and Hermes anyway?

APHRODITE: (fondly) Being annoyingly in love. (calling into another room) Ares! Come talk to Artemis, she also wants to inflict violence against the reporters!

CALLIOPE: Ares and Hermes come quickly out of the other room, fingers interlaced and a flush on both of their cheeks. They were, thankfully, fully clothed and it did not seem like there had been any intent of changing that.

ARES: So have we finally accepted that it’s a good idea? 

HERMES: At the very least I feel like you should put up a magic ward to keep people off your property. I know Circe would be happy to help. 

ARES: Not to be all ‘god of war’ about this, but I do feel like we’re within our rights to turn to violence at this point.

ARTEMIS: I misjudged you, Ares. If I had known that you would agree with me so easily, I would’ve been a lot more fond of you from the start. 

APOLLO: Not to be the voice of reason here– mostly because I really don’t feel qualified to do so– but I don’t think waging war against the reporters is really the solution you think it is.

HERMES: Apollo has a point, Air. It doesn’t really solve the issue, it just starts a bloodbath. 

APHRODITE: (teasing) Ares I swear if you agree with not doing violence just because Hermes said so–

ARES: (mock offense) I didn’t commit violence when you told me not to. I’m not just doing this because of Hermes.

APHRODITE: I appreciate that you’re willing to go to battle for me, Arte, but it’s really not needed. I knew what I was doing when Ares requested we get divorced; it’s not like I wasn’t prepared for this. And yeah, it sucks, but it’s my friend’s happiness and that means more to me than any of this. To your point though, Hermes, getting some magic warding around the house isn’t necessarily a bad idea. Do you really think Circe would go for that?

HERMES: Oh definitely. She gets a bad rep due to the whole ‘turning men into pigs’ thing, but she’s really quite sweet when you get to know her. If she knew that it was because you were trying to keep people from hurting you– and they are hurting you, Aph, I know you don’t want to say it for me and Ares’ benefit, but it’s true. Anyway, trying to keep people from causing harm is a big thing for her. She’d definitely help out. 

APHRODITE: You picked a sweet one, Air.

ARES: (sappy as all hell) I really did, didn’t I?

ARTEMIS: Pollo if you ever get like this about anyone I will be making fun of you mercilessly. That’s my right as your sister. I cannot be as nice as Aph is in the face of this, this is far too much goop for my aroace self to handle. 

APOLLO: I think it’s sweet! But duly noted, I will keep any potential romantic goop away from you. 

APHRODITE: (laughing) I have to encourage it, Arte, it’s my area of expertise after all. What kind of goddess of love would I be if I didn’t let my best friend be in love with his boyfriend?

ARTEMIS: Probably a bad one, but I’m not a goddess of love so I can bully my brother. 

APOLLO: It’s likely not going to be an issue but I’m glad to know I’ll get bullied if it is. We’re not that different, Arte. I’m not ace, but I’m definitely not going full romo over here and you know that. (pause) But we’re getting off topic. Is there anything we can do to help, Dite?

APHRODITE: Honestly this has been a welcome distraction. As much as I love Ares and Hermes, it gets a little boring talking to them while they’re all cuddly.

ARES: (flustered) Aph, that’s– We don’t– Shut up.

ARTEMIS: (laughing) Very eloquently said, Air. Well, we’re happy to be a distraction for as long as you need. 

APOLLO: We could go do some non-reporter shooting out in the woods. Having a bow in your hands could take your mind off of things for a bit; at least, it usually does for me and Artemis.

APHRODITE: That sounds amazing, actually. Hermes, I’m trusting you to ensure that anything that happens stays out of common spaces please.

ARES: Aphrodite.

HERMES: You have my word.

ARES: Gods, you’re ganging up on me. We’ve been dating for only a few days and you’re already ganging up on me with Aph. 

HERMES: Sorry, my love, I have to side with Aphrodite. I would hate to lose her good graces.

APHRODITE: That you would. Shall we head out then?

CALLIOPE: Less benevolent narrators than me would draw this episode to an early close, leaving you with the happy silliness of it all. But I know you, dear listeners, and I know you’re hungry for the plot to move forward. It’s hardly fair of me to keep teasing you, after all, and the way forward is once again something that starts in the past. So why don’t we move back through time once again, just to set the scene.

ZEUS: Are you sure that’s a good idea, darling?

DEMETER: I just want to get a sense of what’s going on in her head, that’s all. She disappeared from your life so quickly, you can hardly blame me for wanting to talk to her. I know you’re not hiding anything from me, Zeus, but I want to make sure that she doesn’t have any… Intentions.

ZEUS: I can assure you she doesn’t, but if it would ease your mind, I can try to facilitate something for the two of you. I can’t promise that it will be a quick turn around, there are a few different sets of strings that I need to pull, but I will do my best. 

DEMETER: Is your brother that protective of her? She can’t even get away?

ZEUS: Hera comes and goes as she pleases, but she may not want to see you. And if she doesn’t want to see you, Hades certainly won’t force her to. So we have to think this through carefully. (pause) He also might not want you in the Underworld because of Persephone.

DEMETER: (bitterly) He’s already prevented me from seeing my daughter, I hardly think it’s fair that he prevents me from seeing anyone. 

ZEUS: I don’t disagree with you, Demeter. I’m just laying out the facts as they are right now. There is someone I can call upon to help us arrange this, but it will take a bit of… Finesse. Can you at least give me a few days? 

DEMETER: Of course, my love. I am nothing if not patient; that is a skill Persephone taught me very well. And these strings you’re planning to pull?

ZEUS: I think Poseidon may be able to help. (pause) Don’t make that face, Demeter, it’s either ask him for help or go straight to Hades. I know you would rather have a buffer there.

DEMETER: Compared to Hades, Poseidon is a delight. That doesn’t mean I’m pleased about having to ask a favor of him. 

ZEUS: It’s less asking a favor and more… Older brother privileges. I can’t promise that this will work, or that Hades will listen to Poseidon if it does, but it’s a place to start. 

DEMETER: I appreciate it, Zeus. Thank you.

ZEUS: Of course, darling. Anything for the future queen of Olympus.

CALLIOPE: And that, dear listeners, is where we shall draw our story to a close for today. I can promise with the utmost certainty that we will return to these threads when next we meet. Until then, keep your mistresses close and your potential ex-wife closer. Until next time, and as always, thank you for listening.