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CALLIOPE: If you’ll indulge me, dear listeners, I would like to read you a selection of headlines from various Olympian newspapers that occurred between our last episode and this one. 

Hera and Zeus – Olympian Power Couple Rekindling Flame?

Love and War: Everything We Know About Ares and Aphrodite’s Dinner Date

Zeus Turning Over New Life and Sticking With His Wife

Double Date When? Latest Scoop on the Zeus/Hera and Ares/Aphrodite Dates

Power Couples of Olympus: Ares and Aphrodite Coming for Top Spot? 

I could go on, but it feels only right to spare you from the full list of headlines. It is after reading a long series of headlines like this that we rejoin our favorite messenger, Hermes, as he goes through what can only be described as ‘gay panic’ in Hephaestus’s living room.

Welcome, dear listeners, to Forged Bonds. 

As stated before, Hermes was in a bit of a state after roughly two weeks of various dates and headlines like the ones listed at the top of the episode. We join him now as he paces in front of Hephaestus’s couch.

HEPHAESTUS: You know it’s all fake, right?

HERMES: Logically, yes. Emotionally? Well I’m here and pacing, aren’t I? 

HEPHAESTUS: Herm–

HERMES: Look, I know it doesn’t make any sense. I know she doesn’t feel romantically for him and I know he’s not head over heels for her anymore but it still feels bad. I feel bad that my friend is being forced to perform romance for no reason. I feel bad that it breaks my heart to see him doing this. I feel bad that all I want more than anything is to be in her place and make him smile like that. Gods, Phae, what is wrong with me? It’s all for show and yet I’m still here, wearing a hole into your carpet because I can’t get my heart to stop hurting me.

CALLIOPE: Hephaestus stood up at this moment, stopping Hermes in his tracks and putting her hands on his shoulders.

HERMES: I know–

HEPHAESTUS: Shut up.

CALLIOPE: She proceeded to pull Hermes into the tightest hug you can imagine, as though she could squeeze the sadness from his chest.

HEPHAESTUS: I know he technically didn’t do anything wrong but gods I want to wring his neck on your behalf. 

HERMES: (laughing slightly sadly) Please don’t.

HEPHAESTUS: I won’t. But gods I want to. How he doesn’t see how wonderful you are–

HERMES: That’s the thing, Phae: he does. He’s so sweet to me all the time but that’s just because he’s sweet. I’m not a viable option to him.

HEPHAESTUS: But you should be!

HERMES: It doesn’t work like that. I wish it did, but I know it doesn’t. 

HEPHAESTUS: He’d be lucky to have you. Anyone would be lucky to have you. And one day he’s going to wake up and realize how incredibly foolish he’s been. And if he doesn’t, I can always kick his ass.

HERMES: The same goes for you, you know.

HEPHAESTUS: What, you think you could kick my ass?

HERMES: I know you’re being obtuse on purpose. Anyone would be lucky to have you too. And I’d move the heavens themselves to make you realize that.

HEPHAESTUS: (deflecting) You’ve been spending too much time with Di.

HERMES: I mean it–

HEPHAESTUS: Come check out the piece I’ve been working on! I’ve been trying to do a wire sculpture like this for ages, just need to start working on the face. 

HERMES: Phae–

HEPHAESTUS: Please, Hermes. Just. Drop it. I don’t– Please.

HERMES: …I want to respect your wishes–

HEPHAESTUS: But you’re not going to, are you?

HERMES: What kind of friend would I be if I did?

HEPHAESTUS: (sighing) Not a very good one, you’re right. I don’t know what’s been up with me lately. I think maybe it’s a combination of seeing Aphrodite and Ares plastered all over the place while you’re pining and Dionysus is sleeping with Apollo–

HERMES: He’s sleeping with Apollo?

HEPHAESTUS: Oh yeah, 100%. He thinks I don’t know but I do, obviously I do. I’ve always known when Di has started a friends with benefits thing, he’s terrible at hiding it. He gets all goofy and happy when he’s getting laid, but that’s besides the point. Everyone I care about is having something go one with love or sex– either faking it, getting it, or longing for it. It’s all starting to get to my head a little bit.

HERMES: Is this… Something you want? Or something you want to want?

HEPHAESTUS: I’m not aro or ace if that’s what you’re asking. I’m just alone. And I know I’m not actually alone, I mean, you’ve literally been pacing a hole into my floors and I appreciate that about you. Genuinely, I do. The fact that we’ve become the kind of friends that you can come to about this stuff means a lot to me, I guess I just… I don’t know. It makes me feel like I’m drifting away from you all.

HERMES: You know that we’re all going to be here for you no matter what, right? If Ares asked me to marry him tomorrow, I’d still be your friend. Dion having a friends with benefits thing with Apollo hasn’t made him stop hanging out with you, right?

HEPHAESTUS: Of course not. It never does, he’s far too loyal for that.

HERMES: Exactly. And I know Aphrodite spends a decent amount of time here with you too. We all care about you so much, Hephaestus. You’re stuck with us. Just like we’re stuck with you if and when you find someone you want to spend your life with. 

HEPHAESTUS: Thank you, Hermes. 

HERMES: There’s nothing to thank me for. If anything, accept this as an apology for destroying your floors with my pacing.

HEPHAESTUS: Your gay panic hasn’t worn out the carpet that badly, don’t worry.

HERMES: It’s not gay panic! It’s… Fine, it’s gay panic. But I resent that you’ve called it that.

HEPHAESTUS: (joking) Better gay panic than bi melancholy. 

HERMES: Maybe we should get Dionysus over here for some aro chaos.

HEPHAESTUS: Oh he’s going to love aro chaos, you’re going to create a monster with that.

CALLIOPE: We’ll step away from this scene, dear listeners, and join our favorite pair of twins who are having tea with Dionysus. It should be noted for you, my dear listeners, that this did not start as a casual meeting but rather as Artemis walking in on something she really preferred not to see and forcing her brother and his companion to put on clothing and talk with her.

ARTEMIS: I mean really, Pollo, all you had to do was send one text–

APOLLO: I meant to! But then Di did this thing–

ARTEMIS: Do not finish that sentence. I already know too much about you as it is, I don’t need to know this much about Dionysus as well. 

APOLLO: It was just really distracting is all.

DIONYSUS: In my defense, I did tell your brother to let you know far before I started doing anything that could be considered distracting.

ARTEMIS: Apollo you are my brother and you know I love you more than anything else in this world, but please just. Close the door next time at least. 

DIONYSUS: Okay that one was my fault, we were both a little distracted.

ARTEMIS: I’m far too ace for the intricacies of this conversation. 

APOLLO: I’m really sorry, Arte. It won’t happen again. For real this time; I know I said that after the thing with Iris and now this has happened but I will genuinely be more careful. 

DIONYSUS: For what it’s worth, I’m sorry as well. This was meant to be a discussion thing only; laying down ground rules and expectations and the like. I don’t think either of us were expecting you to walk in on what you did.

ARTEMIS: I appreciate the apologies. And I’m sorry for yelling as much as I did.

DIONYSUS: The yelling was pretty funny honestly. 

APOLLO: And it was perfectly understandable given everything you saw.

ARTEMIS: And gods know I saw too much. (pause) So what’s going on here then? I know we talked aro pride at the wedding, Dionysus, but that’s a spectrum so…

DIONYSUS: Not dating if that’s the question. Not really into that sort of thing myself. Just having a bit of fun, really.

APOLLO: Yeah, no offense Di but as lovely as you are I wouldn’t date you. I guess since you don’t want to date anyone that’s probably not as offensive as I feared. Either way, it’s not a romantic thing, it’s just… 

DIONYSUS: Literal fucking around 🙂

ARTEMIS: I see. Well, as long as it stays out of common spaces and behind a closed door, I don’t care what y’all do. Just make sure I can’t see or hear it. And know that if I do see or hear it, I cannot be held responsible for shooting you with arrows.

DIONYSUS: Fair enough.

APOLLO: Just make sure you aim for us and not the furniture, please. It’s so hard to remove arrow holes from the furniture, they can’t just drink ambrosia and heal up. 

DIONYSUS: They can’t drink anything at all since they’re furniture.

ARTEMIS: Shooting the couch when you and Iris were… preoccupied was a warning shot. Glad to know I have free range to shoot you instead.

APOLLO: I can heal. Our couch, on the other hand–

ARTEMIS: Had to be destroyed anyway. Because you did unspeakable things on it.

APOLLO: Oh come on, it wasn’t anything more than– 

CALLIOPE: It will come as no surprise to you, dear listeners, that Artemis can draw her bow incredibly quickly. In fact, she hadn’t even been holding the bow before cutting off her brother’s sentence, an arrow aimed directly at his throat. She wouldn’t shoot to kill, of course, but light maiming between siblings has always been the way of the world and godly siblings are no different.

APOLLO: Right, right, stopping before I say things you can’t unhear. I guess in that sense it literally is unspeakable unless I want to contend with being shot. 

ARTEMIS: (lowering her bow) Exactly 🙂

DIONYSUS: Are we good then, Artemis? I’d hate to lose my one aro buddy after finally befriending her.

ARTEMIS: We’re good. (teasing) But if you want to achieve friendship, you’re going to have to spend way more time with me than you currently do. We’re aro acquaintances at best right now.

DIONYSUS: (joking) You wound me, and not even with arrows! I need to get you and Hephaestus to hang out, you two would get on so well. 

ARTEMIS: Aphrodite said the same thing. I’d love to get to know her better. And you. 

APOLLO: So what I’m hearing is we have a small house party. At Dionysus’. So we can all play with his cats.

DIONYSUS: Fine by me. I’ll rope Phae into it and I’m sure she’ll rope Aph before I can even ask. And then she’ll drag in Ares, who will force Hermes to come… It’ll be a great time!

CALLIOPE: As our increasingly less reluctant trio begins to plan their gathering, it feels like as decent a time as any to direct your attention elsewhere. Specifically, we will follow a call to the Underworld where Hades sits with Hera, her eyes distant.

HADES: Hera–

HERA: We don’t have to talk about it.

HADES: Hera, it’s been weeks now. I’m starting to get concerned.

HERA: I can assure you that there is nothing for you to worry about. I know what I’m doing.

HADES: I don’t doubt that for a second, but you have to understand–

HERA: (sharply) There are some matters in which I don’t have a choice. This is one of them. (pause, then more gently) I appreciate the concern, Hades, truly I do, but this… This isn’t something that can just be ignored away. If we keep up the charade, it will die down. It has to die down. Happy endings aren’t interesting, otherwise they’d be talking about you and Persephone more.

HADES: I’m just worried you give away too much of yourself, little sister.

HERA: It’s a few annoying dates. It’s not as if I have to do anything more than sit there and pretend to be happy; gods know I have years of practice at that. 

HADES: Just because you can do it easily doesn’t mean you should have to do so. You come back here after every ‘date’ with him and sit here listlessly, staring into space like you can see the ghost of something that we can’t. Persephone and I are worried, Hera. Not because we don’t trust your judgement but because you come back looking more and more hollow each day. This place was meant to be a respite for you, and yet you seem to diminish even while here. I don’t want you to suffer, especially not while you are in my care.

HERA: Sephie, you can stop hiding in the shadows. I know you’re here.

CALLIOPE: Persephone had, indeed, been hiding in the shadows using a bit of magic her dear husband had taught her. Dropping the spell, she joined Hades and Hera at the table, laying a hand on top of Hera’s.

PERSEPHONE: You can hardly blame me for being worried.

HERA: No, I suppose I can’t. Though I am surprised you thought hiding was necessary.

PERSEPHONE: We didn’t want to overwhelm you. This isn’t an intervention, it’s… It’s just making sure that a dear member of our family is okay. 

HADES: We’re not going to try and force you to stop seeing Zeus; gods know that that wouldn’t be effective anyway given his ability to weasel into places that he doesn’t belong. But we just want you to know that you don’t have to see him. You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do, regardless of what he thinks the press will do or say. 

PERSEPHONE: Even if they decided to talk about you forever, we can protect you from that. You have a home here, one that doesn’t require you to go back to Olympus unless you want to. 

HERA: Have you spoken to your mother, Sephie?

PERSEPHONE: She’s ignoring my calls. I have half a mind to go to the mortal world and deal with her in person, but Hades doesn’t think it’s a good idea.

HADES: It’s not that I think it’s a bad idea, it’s more so that I remember the last fight the two of you had while in the mortal realm and, well, I don’t think another failed harvest would be good for anyone right now. Especially not you, my love, since I know how much that harvest failure upset you. If we can get her to Olympus–

HERA: I’ll call her. And if she ignores my calls, I’ll have Hermes send her a message. And if she ignores those, I’ll have Ares drag her here kicking and screaming. 

HADES: …I take it the situation there has worsened.

HERA: I don’t know what to believe anymore. At this point, I just want answers. I want to understand why. 

PERSEPHONE: There are passageways through the Underworld that Ares can take to drag her back unseen if needed. And a pit you could fight her in should it come to blows. 

HERA: (laughing slightly) You’d let me fight your mother?

PERSEPHONE: If she deserves to be fought then who am I to stop it? 

HADES: Oh, so Hera can fight your mother, but when I–

PERSEPHONE: I know you were doing it for my honor, my love, but I did want the two of you to get along. I still do, in some ways. Hera’s issues with Demeter are her own.

HADES: (grumbling) My issues were my own too.

PERSEPHONE: You and I both know they weren’t, lovely.

HERA: Thank you both. For your assistance. And for opening your home to me.

HADES: Even if you divorced my brother, you would still be a sister to me, Hera. And I will protect you as though you were my own flesh and blood.

PERSEPHONE: We love you. And we will make sure you are as safe and happy as we can, okay?

CALLIOPE: And that is where we shall end our story for today. You may find yourself wondering what Demeter’s true role in all of this is, to which I implore you to have patience. All will be revealed in time. But it should be noted that the man most commonly depicted as Persephone’s father has already wrapped his way into this story; whether or not that holds true will remain a mystery with Demeter unless the goddess chooses to grace the story with her presence. For now, dear listeners, we must simply say goodbye. Until next time, and as always, thank you for listening.