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CALLIOPE: Sometimes, despite our better judgement, we have to check in on Zeus and whatever schemes he is putting into place. This is no one’s favorite activity, but it is important to understanding what is happening in the world of Olympus and everything that surrounds our tale.

Welcome, dear listeners, to Forged Bonds.

We join the king of Olympus as he knocks politely yet forcefully on the door of Aphrodite and Ares’ home. It should be noted, dear listeners, that it is roughly seven in the morning when he is doing this and a very sleepy Ares opens the door in his pajamas.

ARES: Oh gods.

ZEUS: Now that seems a little rude, don’t you think?

ARES: It’s too early for this shit. Dipper?

DIPPER: (discontent bear noises)

ARES: Come on, bud, please? Just… Get rid of him.

ZEUS: I am still standing here, you know. Is that a bear? Have you been keeping a bear in your home this entire time?

ARES: Gods, just. Stop talking. (more fondly, directed at Dipper) Will you at least go wake Dite for me, Dip? 

DIPPER: (bear noises)

ARES: Thank you, buddy. (coldly) I suppose you’ll be wanting to come in.

ZEUS: That is typically why one shows up at someone’s house. Are you going to let me in?

ARES: Do I have a choice?

ZEUS: There are always choices in life, Ares. You could say no, or sic your bear on me, or even sic your wife on me. Those are all choices you have at your disposal. However, I also have choices in this life and my choice would be directly ignoring your dismissal of me. It would save us both a lot of trouble if you just let me in. 

ARES: Fine, fine, whatever. Take a seat, your majesty. I’m going to make some coffee before Aph gets down here and rips your head off for waking her up so early.

CALLIOPE: I wish more than anything else in this world that I could tell you Zeus sat there awkwardly and uncomfortably, but that is unfortunately not the case. Much to everyone’s dismay, Zeus sat calmly and comfortably as he awaited for the two gods whose morning he had ruined.

APHRODITE: Ares, I swear to the stars themselves if you sent Dipper to wake me up for no reason– (pause, noticing Zeus) Oh for fuck sake. This couldn’t have waited, I don’t know, somewhere between three hours and never happening?

ZEUS: Good morning to you too, Aphrodite. Please, have a seat. 

APHRODITE: This is my house. Shouldn’t I be inviting you to sit?

ZEUS: Your husband has already taken care of that. It would be in everyone’s best interest if you just sat down; we can discuss things calmly and rationally.

APHRODITE: And then you’ll leave?

ZEUS: Of course. I have no intention of staying here longer than I need to. So why don’t you sit?

ARES: Anything to get you out of here faster. Here, Dite. Coffee. Sorry to have Dipper wake you up but only one of us could survive you first thing in the morning and we both know it’s not me.

APHRODITE: I punch you in the stomach one time–

ZEUS: As riveting as this little argument surely is, I believe the two of you wanted me gone so if I may get to the point of all this jamboree then perhaps I can be on my way.

ARES: And this will include you explaining why you’re here at seven in the morning, right? 

ZEUS: It would if you would stop interrupting, yes. (pause) Ah, I see we’re learning. Good, good. Now, I’m here with a very simple request: I need the two of you to go on a date.

ARES: What?

APHRODITE: Why?

ZEUS: Simple: No one has seen the two of you acting married in any way, shape, or form. Have you not stopped to consider that the papers would stop talking about you if you gave them nothing to talk about? By proceeding as normal, everyone is up at arms trying to call into question the validity of the marriage, in turn questioning me on the validity of the marriage. The simplest solution is to go on a date. Maybe even a few. Just be seen together, having a good time, acting like you’re in love and all that other nonsense. 

APHRODITE: This doesn’t make any sense.

ZEUS: I assure you–

APHRODITE: No, I get where your plan is coming from. If we give them something to talk about, they won’t want to talk about it anymore. It’ll become boring to them. That I understand. What I don’t understand is why you’re trying to help us with this. Surely this is benefitting you currently; your latest affair hasn’t batted a single eye. In fact, most people think you’re still with your wife and that the two of you are living happily, which we all know isn’t the case. So why tell us? What do you want?

ZEUS: Can a man not do something out of a sheer sense of kindness? (pause) Fine. People are calling into question whether you’re really in love and married. They are doing this by asking me if I somehow set this up–

ARES: Which you did.

ZEUS: –And then they’re starting to question what they saw that night at the wedding. Questioning if it was really Hera that they saw me with.

ARES: Which it wasn’t.

APHRODITE: So you want the two of us to play up being married so that the press loses interest in the wedding and, subsequently, your role in the wedding.

ZEUS: Precisely. It’s a win-win, really. You get the press off your back, I–

ARES: Continue having an affair with Demeter with no repercussions.

ZEUS: It’s a perfect system. 

APHRODITE: I’m assuming we don’t have a choice in the matter?

ZEUS: It’s like I told your darling husband: there are always choices in life. You could choose not to do what I say and let the press continue to hound you and plaster your face around Olympus until the end of time. Or you could go on a few dates, look all happy for the public, and let the whole thing fade away. I know which choice I’d make. Do you?

ARES: We’re going to discuss this. Without you here. I’m sure you’ll find out one way or another whether or not we follow through on your plan; now go.

ZEUS: Fine, I’ll be on my way. I would consider things quickly, though. For both of our sakes.

CALLIOPE: And so the god of lightning, in all of his annoying power, stood and left the house, leaving our dear gods to discuss the wreckage he left behind.

APHRODITE: You don’t want to do it.

ARES: I didn’t say that. I said we should discuss. (pause) Do you really think he’s right?

APHRODITE: …I don’t know. It makes sense in a strange sort of way, but then again it’s Zeus we’re talking about; if he’s making sense then the world must be ending. 

ARES: (laughing) Yeah, that feels about right. Even if he’s wrong, I don’t think it could hurt, necessarily. And it’s not like we don’t already spend the majority of our time together anyway, this time it would just be–

APHRODITE: Public. Dozens of eyes on us, watching us like zoo animals.

ARES: I think I’d make a pretty good bear. Right, Dip?

DIPPER: (pitying bear noises)

ARES: Oh come on, I’d be a good bear! I’m basically the human equivalent of a bear already! Gods, Aph, remember the nightclub in the mortal world?

APHRODITE: Ah yes, the Bear Night incident. 

DIPPER: (bear noises)

APHRODITE: I don’t know how he managed it either, Dipper. 

ARES: (slightly embarrassed) We’ve gotten off topic. 

APHRODITE: (laughing) Yes we have, but you knew what you were signing up for when you decided to be my friend.

ARES: I swear this is usually the other way around, how am I the serious one right now and you’re all… giggly.

APHRODITE: The absurdity of the situation is catching up to me 🙂 (pause) I think you’re right, though. It couldn’t hurt. We already have dinner together all the time anyway, this time it would just be where other people can see us. And besides, it’s been a while since we didn’t cook; it could be fun.

ARES: Well then, my darling wife–

APHRODITE: I changed my mind.

ARES: Too late! We’re married and I’m going to take you on a date to make the press bored. And then maybe we’ll go back to the mortal world and find another queer nightclub.

APHRODITE: You really want to repeat the Bear Night incident, huh?

CALLIOPE: While our dear married couple plan their date night, we shall follow our less dear married couple. You see, Zeus was making his way into Hera’s former room, knocking on the door that led to her new room in the Underworld.

HERA: What could you possibly want?

ZEUS: Can a man not simply desire to see his wife?

HERA: If the man were anyone other than you.

ZEUS: Hera, you wound me. Do you not even want to hear what I have to say?

HERA: We both know I don’t. (sighing) But we both also know that you won’t leave without saying what you want to say, so fine. We can talk. Above ground. I’m not letting you contaminate my new living space with your… Zeus-ness.

CALLIOPE: Hera forced her way past Zeus, allowing the door to shut with a resounding click. She pulled a small key from her pocket, turning it in the lock as though trying to keep Zeus firmly out of her space. 

HERA: You wanted to talk. So talk.

ZEUS: I was thinking we could do that over dinner.

HERA: (laughing, almost manic) You thought we could talk over dinner, did you? And why in the name of Olympus would I agree to that? Why would you even want to do that? I don’t want a part in whatever scheme you’re working on so you may as well leave if this is all you have to say.

ZEUS: Hera–

HERA: Don’t ‘Hera’ me as if I’m being unreasonable here. You’ve made your choices time and time and time again. I’m not just going to sit here and let you talk to me like I’m the one who fucked up. And I’m not just going to wait until you decide that I’m what you wanted. 

ZEUS: I’m trying to do something for your benefit!

HERA: When has anything you’ve done ever been for my benefit?

ZEUS: I married you, didn’t I?

(long pause)

HERA: And look at all the good that did me.

ZEUS: I did love you, you know.

HERA: Don’t. You don’t get to do this.

ZEUS: It’s true, though. When we first started you were fierce and fiery and everything I ever wanted. Or at least that’s what I thought. Sometimes everything you want isn’t enough.

HERA: There are ways to do polyamory that aren’t cheating on your wife. If you actually loved me, you would’ve talked to me, figured things out with me, grown with me. Instead you decided the best course of action was to fuck anything that moved and play it off as if I were the problem. That’s what you always do, Zeus. You always make someone else the problem. If you really loved me, I wouldn’t have been the problem in your way. If you really loved me, I wouldn’t have needed to ‘be enough’. 

ZEUS: Let me take you to dinner.

HERA: Zeus–

ZEUS: If we keep up appearances, they’ll lose interest and stop hounding me. They’ll stop hounding you. You don’t have to love me, Hera; I wouldn’t expect you to. But it’s for both of our benefit that we keep up the charade of being in love. It’s the story the people want.

HERA: And what about what I want, Zeus? When does that get to matter?

ZEUS: You knew what being queen of Olympus would entail.

HERA: And I thought I’d have a supportive husband by my side through it. 

ZEUS: Hera. Please.

HERA: Why Demeter?

ZEUS: Hera–

HERA: If you want me to go with you, you’ll answer my question. Why Demeter?

ZEUS: Because she asked.

HERA: Bullshit.

ZEUS: I can assure you–

HERA: Demeter knows everything you did to me! We were friends for so long! You really expect me to believe–

CALLIOPE: Zeus held his phone out to Hera, not saying a word. Hera’s anger at Zeus dissipated, turning to shock, turning to wide-eyed horror, turning back to anger as she read through the messages between Zeus and Demeter.

HERA: I don’t understand.

ZEUS: We can talk over dinner.

HERA: I don’t understand! Why would she do this? She knows exactly who you are and what you’re like and she just… I don’t believe this. I can’t believe this. This has to be fake, it has to be– Why do you always have to do things like this to me?

ZEUS: Because I am the scorpion and you, my love, are the frog. Some things are just in our nature. Now, come on. I’ve answered your question and you look like you could use a stiff drink. At least let yourself get a free meal out of all of this.

CALLIOPE: Hera allowed Zeus to guide her away from the house, her mind far away from her body as she went. She had gotten very good over the years at playing the part of the perfect wife, after all, and hardly needed to speak when Zeus was happy enough to fill the silence.

That, my dear listeners, is where we will leave things for the day. This section of our tale has reached its halfway point with even more change on the wind. I hope you will join us again to hear where these changes lead. Until next time, and as always, thank you for listening.