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CALLIOPE: There is much to be said about Zeus, the vast majority of it negative. Adding to that list is the fact that he is, in fact, a terrible father– including to children he did not sire. We rejoin our story with Zeus talking to two of the children he did sire; two faces that you recognize already. 

Welcome, dear listeners, to Forged Bonds.

If you asked, Apollo and Artemis would tell you that they did not expect to see their father gracing their doorstep. They would also tell you that they did not want him there, and yet here he was. 

ARTEMIS: No.

ZEUS: I haven’t even said anything yet.

ARTEMIS: Don’t care. Leave.

APOLLO: Arte? Who’s at the door?

ARTEMIS: Absolutely no one.

ZEUS: Now Artemis– 

(footsteps)

APOLLO: Is everything o– Oh. No.

ZEUS: Again, I haven’t even said anything–

APOLLO: Nor should you. Leave.

ZEUS: I don’t think this is any way to treat your father.

ARTEMIS: And I don’t think of you as my father. Now leave. (bow being drawn) I won’t ask again. 

ZEUS: (anger seeping in) And how is your mother doing? It’s been so long since I’ve seen– (arrow fires) Shit. Why you little fucker–

APOLLO: She told you to leave and you didn’t. You’re lucky it was just your shoulder; she won’t aim so kindly next time. I’d recommend leaving.

ZEUS: Just let me ask one question. And then I’m gone, I swear on the Styx.

ARTEMIS: (clipped) One. That’s all.

ZEUS: You are… aware of the incident from Ares and Aphrodite’s wedding. What have you heard in the press about it?

APOLLO: Is this really worth getting shot over?

ZEUS: Just answer the damned question.

ARTEMIS: Absolutely nothing. You should know that I don’t bother with that nonsense.

ZEUS: And you, Apollo?

APOLLO: …They think it was Hera. The last story I saw was speculation on you two rekindling your spark or some bullshit like that. (pause) Now I have a question.

ZEUS: As long as my dear daughter doesn’t shoot me, I’m happy to answer it.

ARTEMIS: (bow being drawn) Do not. Push me.

APOLLO: Arte, please. (bow lowering) Why ask us?

ZEUS: If I said it was because you are my children and I cared about your opinion– (bow being drawn) Of course not. Quite simply, I know that you know what you saw. Which would mean that you’re a more reliable source of what’s being said as there would be a clear glee to seeing me fall, I’m sure. 

APOLLO: And you trust that we won’t try to make that happen?

ZEUS: You haven’t thus far. If you chose to do that now, would anyone believe you? Or would they think you were just a child gunning for power that you can’t quite handle. (step, then arrow fire) Nice try, daughter. 

ARTEMIS: That was a warning shot, your majesty. I swear to the stars themselves if you do not get off of our property right this second you will not live to regret it. Now go. And if you ever think of speaking to my brother like that again not even Hades himself will be able to tell who you are.

ZEUS: Fine, fine. I’ll be off. Do take care, children.

APOLLO AND ARTEMIS: Fuck off.

(footsteps)

ARTEMIS: Are you okay?

APOLLO: Are you? What were you thinking, shooting him like that?

ARTEMIS: The first arrow was enchanted and healed his wound as soon as he removed it; you didn’t see any blood, did you? I knew what I was doing. (pause) He shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. He shouldn’t have shown up here at all, the absolute bastard–

APOLLO: It’s okay, Arte. Really. You’re not that much older than me, you know. You don’t have to put on the ‘tough older sister’ act, not when he’s involved. I know– I know seeing him makes you upset.

ARTEMIS: He discarded our mother like she was nothing and did the same to countless other people. He’s lucky I don’t slaughter him where he stands.

APOLLO: It wouldn’t be worth it.

ARTEMIS: If he speaks to you like that again, it would be.

APOLLO: And if he speaks to you like that again, I will reduce him to nothing but arrow holes. Let me take care of you the same way you take care of me.

ARTEMIS: …Fine. That’s what we’ve always had to do anyway, right? Take care of each other?

APOLLO: And we always will.

CALLIOPE: Rather unfortunately, we will be following the king of the gods to his next location. This time, he is heading towards Dionysus’ home, the cats scampering as they feel Zeus approaching.

DIONYSUS: Woah, hey, Cider– Gin– Fireball– it’s okay, calm down. There we go, now I just– (knock) Door’s open!

ZEUS: Hello, Dionysus.

DIONYSUS: Ah. Well, this explains why the cats are acting up– No, Vermouth, you can’t just climb the curtains because king dickhead is here–

ZEUS: Pardon?

DIONYSUS: King dickhead. That’s you. I thought that would be obvious. Now what do you want, you’re scaring the cats.

ZEUS: Why do you have so many cats? 

DIONYSUS: Why do you have so many mistresses? 

ZEUS: Now that hardly–

DIONYSUS: Tell me what you want or I won’t be able to stop Ginger Beer from jumping up and clawing at your stupid face.

ZEUS: You’re close friends with Hephaestus, correct?

DIONYSUS: Surely you didn’t come all the way over here to ask a question you already know the answer to. Even you’re not that stupid.

ZEUS: I’m sure that even if you hadn’t seen the truth of it for yourself, my dear step-daughter would’ve told you what happened during Ares and Aphrodite’s wedding. I would like to know what, if anything, you have heard about the incident since.

DIONYSUS: It’s been several months and this is what you care about?

ZEUS: Fastest way to get me to leave is to answer my question. 

DIONYSUS: I haven’t heard anything. Contrary to your belief, people do talk about other things. If you’re worried you were caught cheating at the event you organized to get people not to talk about the fact that you were cheating, you weren’t. Gods know you deserved to be, but you weren’t. 

ZEUS: Ah. So you know the full truth of the situation then. I should’ve known that Hephaestus–

DIONYSUS: If you value your life, you will refrain from finishing that sentence. She may not need me to fight her battles for her, but gods know I’ll do it anyway. Don’t fucking push your luck here. 

ZEUS: Everyone is telling me that today, and yet here I am, unscathed. Even my dear daughter couldn’t shoot me in any way that truly mattered. What makes you think you’re any different?

DIONYSUS: Fireball.

ZEUS: What– (scratching sound) Oh you little–

DIONYSUS: (darkly) If you lay a hand on my cats the next hit will come from me. 

ZEUS: All of you are so quick to jump to someone else’s defense. But does it really matter in the end?

DIONYSUS: I’m going to count to ten. I’d suggest you be gone by the time I get to ten. One.

ZEUS: Don’t bother, I’ll go. (pause) Do say hello to Hephaestus the next time you see her.

(door)

DIONYSUS: What an absolute prick. (cat meows) I know, right? And bringing Phae into this… Well done, Fireball. Come on, all of you, I think you deserve some extra treats for all of that nonsense. 

CALLIOPE: It will come as a surprise to no one that Zeus does not know when to quit. This, of course, means he was heading to a place where he was very unwanted indeed: the halls of the Underworld. 

PERSEPHONE: She’s lucky I don’t wring her neck for this. I mean seriously, a month on and she’s still hanging off of Zeus like some worthless plaything. For someone who had so much to say when we got together, Hades, you would think she would be less of a hypocrite.

HADES: Beloved, your mother has always been a hypocrite. The only reason I don’t bring it up more is because she’s your mother.

PERSEPHONE: Perhaps you should start bringing it up more. Maybe this time I’ll even listen.

ZEUS: I’d say I’m sorry to interrupt–

PERSEPHONE: Gods above, why couldn’t it have been anyone else?

HADES: We both know you’ve never been sorry in your life, brother. What do you want?

ZEUS: Can I not come see my dear brother and his darling wife?

PERSEPHONE: No. 

HADES: I think you’ll find you’re not wanted here right now.

PERSEPHONE: Even less wanted than usual which is shocking. I didn’t know that was a possibility.

ZEUS: Now, Persephone–

PERSEPHONE: I will say this once and only once: Leave my mother alone.

ZEUS: I’m hardly bothering her. She sought me out first, after all.

HADES: Brother–

ZEUS: You’re all so quick to paint me as the villain while never once stopping to consider that perhaps my company is desired. That perhaps Demeter was lonely and knew that I would be able to cure that loneliness. After all, her only daughter abandoned her–

HADES: Brother–

ZEUS: To marry a man she despised. It hardly seems surprising that she should choose to be with a man her daughter despises in return, don’t you think?

HADES: Zeus that is enough! 

CALLIOPE: Zeus may be the thunder god, but it was Hades’ voice that was crackling like lightning through the space. Hades grabbed his brother’s shoulder, squeezing it tightly.

HADES: You will apologize to my wife. You will speak your purpose. And then you will leave. Have I made myself clear?

ZEUS: (through gritted teeth) My apologies, Persephone. 

PERSEPHONE: I’d say I forgive you but we both know that’s a lie. Now what do you want?

ZEUS: I want to know why you helped me. You had a public audience and yet chose to tell the crowd it was Hera instead of Demeter, all while deriding me for my decisions. Why keep up the lie, then? What do you want?

PERSEPHONE: (laughing) You think we did that for you? You really think I would keep up a charade like this on your behalf? You’re really so full of yourself, you know that? Gods, you really think the world will bend to your whim and that every person who does something that benefits you is doing it for you or to get something from you. Contrary to your beliefs, we didn’t do this for you. We did this for Hera. For Aphrodite. For Ares. For the people whose lives you messed with to cover your own ass. You made Aph and Ares get married, Zeus, to cover up one affair and then immediately dove head first into another while at that wedding. I wasn’t going to let what they did be for nothing. And I wasn’t going to let you drag Hera back into the spotlight for your stupidity.

HADES: Do you ever stop to think, Zeus? About the people you’re hurting, about the lives you’re disrupting, about the consequences of all that you’ve done? Or do you just keep going, and keep hoping that people will cover for the ones they care about and spare you in the process?

ZEUS: The two of you think me callous and heartless, don’t you?

PERSEPHONE: Are we wrong?

ZEUS: Perhaps not. But I do know when a debt is owed. You, willingly or not, have covered for me. Name your reward, and I will be gone.

PERSEPHONE: If you think we can be easily bought–

HADES: Let Hera come stay with us. 

ZEUS: Pardon?

HADES: Let Hera come and stay with us. I will create a doorway that goes directly into her room in the house, no one needs to know she isn’t living with you, but let her leave that wretched place.

ZEUS: Do you think I’m holding her captive? She could leave if she wanted to.

HADES: You and I both know that isn’t true. They’d eat her alive if she did, never giving her a moment of peace ever again. But if the doorway is in your home, you can keep up your happy little marriage charade and she can come and go as she pleases.

ZEUS: Fine. I did say you could name your price and I’m nothing if not a man of my word.

PERSEPHONE: So you’re nothing then.

ZEUS: I’d watch your tongue if I were you, Persephone.

HADES: And I’d recommend you think twice about how you’re speaking to my wife in our shared realm, Zeus. I’ll set up the door for Hera and let her know what’s happening. You can leave now.

ZEUS: Is there no love in your heart for your brother anymore, Hades?

HADES: No. No I don’t think there is.

CALLIOPE: Zeus nodded once to his brother before exiting the room. Dear listeners, if I told you there was hurt in Zeus’s eyes, would you believe me?

PERSEPHONE: Are you alright, my love?

HADES: I’m fine, darling. Really.

PERSEPHONE: That was incredibly clever, what you did. I didn’t even think about using his boon to help Hera. 

HADES: I’m honestly surprised he allowed it. I thought for sure he’d take back all the talk of favors once I made a request on her behalf. I guess he really just wants her out of the way.

PERSEPHONE: At least then she’ll be with us, in a place that is safe and happy and… And that her daughter can safely come and visit. We’ve been meaning to have Hephaestus around anyway, haven’t we? 

HADES: My darling wife, your ideas never cease to amaze me. Come on, we should get Hera’s room set up and go and talk to her. I don’t know that this will be enough to convince her to come with, but at least she’ll have the option. 

CALLIOPE: And that, my dear listeners, is where we shall leave things for today. There are pieces in play to a much larger game that will become more and more apparent as time winds on. Until next time, and as always, thank you for listening.