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CALLIOPE: All good weddings end in a wedding reception; this wedding is no different. The hoards of people who had crowded into the amphitheater to watch Ares and Aphrodite get married soon descended upon the sprawling yard of Zeus and Hera’s home where Dionysus kicked off the party by starting up the ambrosia fountain.

Welcome, dear listeners, to Forged Bonds.

We shall zoom directly into the party’s periphery where Aphrodite and Ares await their entrance into the fray.

ARES: Is that–

APHRODITE: Looks like it.

ARES: Did he make it himself?

APHRODITE: Believe it or not, Hera had a hand in that.

ARES: Why would Hera want an ambrosia fountain? Does she want drunk people to trash her garden because that’s how she gets drunk people trashing her garden.

APHRODITE: Bold of you to assume that holding this reception out here wouldn’t trash the garden anyway. (pause) Are you ready for this?

ARES: Shouldn’t I be asking you that?

APHRODITE: Air–

ARES: I’m ready if you are, Aph. I’ll give Dionysus the cue?

DIONYSUS: Citizens of Olympia! It is my honor to present to you the newly married Ares and Aphrodite!

CALLIOPE: The two ran into the crowded yard, raucous cheers heard from all around. They came to a stop in front of the sweetheart table that had been set for them, taking dramatic bows before being seated. 

DIONYSUS: The party has only just begun! Eat, drink, be merry! But not as marry as these two, alright?

APHRODITE: When Hephaestus warned me about Dionysus’s jokes, I didn’t think they’d be that bad. 

DIONYSUS: Excuse you, my jokes are great. Phae just doesn’t appreciate me and my sense of humor.

HEPHAESTUS: And neither does Aph, it seems. Congratulations, you two. You survived the spectacle that is a wedding thrown by Zeus.

ARES: Thanks, Hephaestus. And thank you for the dagger. It’s beautiful.

HEPHAESTUS: And battle ready. If you decided you wanted to slit Zeus’s throat tonight… Either dagger would perform the job perfectly. Just… Don’t let my mom know I gave you wedding daggers, alright?

APHRODITE: As if she wouldn’t be able to recognize your handiwork. We’ll try to keep them out of Hera’s line of sight, but all bets are off if Zeus tries anything else.

ARTEMIS: What’s Zeus trying?

APOLLO: Congratulations, by the way. 

ARTEMIS: Right, yes, congratulations and all that jazz but seriously, did I stumble in on nefarious plots? If yes, I want in.

DIONYSUS: If we are committing to plotting, we should make it a little less obvious. And also bring Hermes into the fold.

ARES: Hermes is here?

DIONYSUS: Your dear friend who definitely isn’t using you to spend time with your bear? Yeah, of course he’s here. He was with me and Phae until I had to do your announcement, I’m sure he’ll–

HERMES: (panting) Why is it so hard to move through crowds? Congratulations, Ares, Aph. It was a beautiful ceremony.

APHRODITE: (flatly) It was fake. (pause) But… Thank you, Hermes. It looked believable then?

HERMES: Oh, definitely. This whole thing has been believable, no one has spoken a word through the whole endeavor saying that it might not be real. 

ARES: The people of Olympus are more gullible than I thought.

HEPHAESTUS: (snort) Of course they are. That’s how Zeus has managed to stay in power as the ‘charming leader’ despite the multiple, multiple affairs. If they can convince themselves that Zeus is a good person, they can convince themselves of anything.

ARTEMIS: I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t tried to commandeer the newly weds yet.

APOLLO: That’s because every nymph and minor god is keeping him held firmly captive by the ambrosia fountain. I think this is what Hera was trying to achieve? 

DIONYSUS: She figured he would be less annoying while drunk. Or at the very least, less likely to be annoying to her and to other people who aren’t actively trying to fuck him.

ARTEMIS: Well, at the very least it buys you some time away from him. So, who do I have to threaten to get someone to dance with me?

DIONYSUS: No threats needed, I’d be happy to accompany you to the dance floor. No one ever wants to dance for real anymore, it sucks.

ARTEMIS: Tell me about it. I swear, trying to teach Apollo to dance was the last time I got to dance and I had to get my feet stepped on a million times for it.

DIONYSUS: Trying to teach Phae landed me in the same place (conversation trails off as they walk away)

APOLLO: Right, well. Since my sister has found a dance partner that isn’t me, I’m going to go get drunk and hopefully laid. Congratulations again, you two. I hope… Well, I hope it’s as happy as it can be, all things considered.

APHRODITE: Are we going to have to dance at some point?

ARES: Probably. It’s a shame Zeus wouldn’t let me bring Dipper here, he loves to dance.

HERMES: You taught Dipper to dance?

APHRODITE: Oh please, the bear taught him to dance. Hermes, will you take him to the dance floor, please? You have to see how bad he is and I don’t want to sacrifice my feet to it.

HERMES: (flustered) Oh, I don’t know–

ARES: Oh come on, Herm! Dance with me, I’m really not that bad.

APHRODITE: Dipper is a better dancer than you.

ARES: (joking) Only married for a few hours and you’re already bullying me. Come on, Hermes, let’s show my lovely wife that I’m actually good at dancing.

HEPHAESTUS: And then there were two. How are you feeling?

APHRODITE: Honestly? Just tired. Not even emotionally, just like. Sleepy. I had to get up super early to help with the last minute set up items and dealing with Zeus will make anyone tired.

HEPHAESTUS: That and having the eyes of Olympus on you all day. No wonder you’re tired, I honestly don’t know how you’re still upright at all.

APHRODITE: The adrenaline will wear off soon, I’m sure. I’ll probably try to make Ares carry me home; that’s what husbands are supposed to do, right? 

HERA: In a perfect world, yes.

APHRODITE: Hera! The blessing was beautiful, thank you.

HERA: It’s the least I could do. Congratulations, Aphrodite. And apologies again that this has come to pass.

APHRODITE: At least the wedding is over now. I’ve been living with Ares for years at this point, it’s not like it’s a big shift in our lives. And besides, if it weren’t for this wedding, I wouldn’t be friends with Hephaestus.

HEPHAESTUS: We might’ve crossed paths another way.

HERA: My darling daughter I love you dearly but you don’t come into Olympus for anything. And while I understand why, it would make it very hard for you to cross paths with Aphrodite naturally.

HEPHAESTUS: Maybe she would have commissioned a dagger. You never know.

HERA: Phae, please tell me you didn’t give them wedding daggers. Please. 

APHRODITE: It’s a really beautiful piece–

HERA: (fondly disappointed) I should’ve known you’d go through with that. Alright, let’s see it then. (pause) It is beautiful, Phae. And it matches the ring perfectly; I’m assuming Ares–

HEPHAESTUS: Of course. His is battle ready.

HERA: What ever am I going to do with you, darling child? 

HEPHAESTUS: Let me make you a dagger? You could kill your husband with it and pin it on me. It’s not like they’d bother with prosecuting me since I’m literally never on their minds.

APHRODITE: The perfect crime.

HERA: As tempting as that is, I think I’ll just stick to loving my daughter if that’s alright.

HEPHAESTUS: I love you too, mom.

HERA: I should go and make sure Zeus hasn’t drunk himself into a stupor already. Enjoy the party, you two.

HEPHAESTUS: Bye, mom. (pause) So, did you want to try to sneak away?

APHRODITE: Nah, I should dance with Ares. Save Hermes from getting trampled and all that. You want to make your way out to the dance floor with me? 

CALLIOPE: The two goddesses made their way through the crowd, pushing past wellwishers and drunken catcalling until they finally found the dance floor. Ares was dancing almost effortlessly with Hermes, matching grins on both of their faces as Ares laughed at something Hermes said. 

APHRODITE: You two mind a partner trade?

HERMES: (slightly pained) Not at all. Hephaestus? Care to dance?

APHRODITE: It looked like you two were having a good time.

ARES: I told you I wasn’t that bad at dancing. Dipper is a good teacher, all things considered. Especially when considering that he’s a bear. (pause) How are you feeling?

APHRODITE: (joking) Do I look that bad? Everyone keeps asking me that.

ARES: (remarkably sincere) You look beautiful, Aph. But I know that this is a lot for you, so I’m going to check in. Best friends, remember?

APHRODITE: I’m fine, Air. Really. Just… Just tired. You’re going to have to carry me home.

ARES: (teasing) Now I really wish Dipper was here.

APHRODITE: I’m not even that heavy! Unless you’re just weaker than you look– (both laugh) 

CALLIOPE: I’m going to pull your focus from one dancing couple to another. Not too far from where Ares and Aphrodite were swaying together, Hermes and Hephaestus looked on.

HEPHAESTUS: You’re staring.

HERMES: Believe me, I’m trying not to.

HEPHAESTUS: I hate to break it to you, bud, but you’re not succeeding on that front. (pause) I didn’t think Ares would be your type.

HERMES: (flustered) I could be staring at Aphrodite!

HEPHAESTUS: But you’re not.

HERMES: (sigh) But I’m not. He’s really sweet once you get to know him.

HEPHAESTUS: Aph has told me as much.

HERMES: Aph, huh? How come she got to be your friend before me? I deliver your mail every day for eons–

HEPHAESTUS: You are my friend, Hermes. I… It’s hard for me to trust people. But even when I wouldn’t admit it, you were still my friend. You’re… You’re a sweet guy. Ares would be lucky to have you.

HERMES: That ship has sailed.

HEPHAESTUS: It’s… Well, you know what it’s like. No one can say what the future might hold for the two of you.

HERMES: He’ll never see me as an option. I’ve been here, this whole time, and he never once saw me as an option; time isn’t going to change that, especially not now that he’s married. (pause) I’m lucky to have him as a friend. It’s better than not having him at all.

HEPHAESTUS: …I know what you mean. (pause) Gods, look at the two of us. At a wedding and being all mopey. Dionysus would kill me for harshing the vibe.

HERMES: (snort) Well, it looks like he and Artemis are getting on like a house on fire. 

HEPHAESTUS: Aro solidarity is one hell of a drug I guess. It’s good to see him having so much fun, though. And the ambrosia fountain… It’s certainly something. 

HERMES: I can’t believe your mom requested it.

HEPHAESTUS: Trust me, neither can I. (pause) Have you seen my uncle around?

HERMES: Hades? I think I saw him and Persephone talking to your mom. Did you want to go find him?

HEPHAESTUS: No, no it’s–

CALLIOPE: At this moment, Hephaestus caught sight of Zeus, lips planted firmly against Demeter’s. Without thinking, she marched over to the king of the gods, pushing him backwards and sending him stumbling into the ambrosia fountain.

HERMES: Oh my gods.

HEPHAESTUS: Fuck.

HERMES: Phae–

APHRODITE: Phae! Are you okay? Come on, we should get out of here before someone fishes him out. Hermes–

HERMES: Me and Ares will run distraction. Take her and go.

CALLIOPE: The two goddesses raced out of the yard, hands interwoven as they ran. They didn’t stop until they reached the forge, collapsing against the door together after they made it inside.

APHRODITE: That was–

HEPHAESTUS: I know, I know, it was stupid–

APHRODITE: Are you kidding me? That was brilliant, Phae. Gods, you should’ve seen his face as he went tumbling down! He looked so angry and then SPLASH, just covered in ambrosia. Honestly, that’s what he gets for… For whatever he did that made you so upset.

HEPHAESTUS: He was sticking his tongue down Demeter’s throat. In front of everyone there, and no one batted an eye.

APHRODITE: Honestly, I’m not certain anyone noticed. Between the drinks and Zeus’s propensity for women who look like Hera– Well, I don’t think it will be another scandal at the very least.

(knocking)

ARES: Hephaestus? It’s us.

DIONYSUS: By which he means Ares, Hermes, and Dionysus.

HERMES: Can we come in?

HEPHAESTUS: What do you think, should we let the boys in?

APHRODITE: Hmmm I don’t know… A girl’s night sounds kind of lovely right now. (laughing) Yes, let them in.

DIONYSUS: Phae, are you okay? What were you thinking? Gods, you’re lucky people didn’t realize it was you, they would’ve… I don’t know, probably said some very nasty things that sent you spiraling. 

HEPHAESTUS: I’m fine, Di. Just got a little… Upset. With Zeus. 

HERMES: Was… Was that Demeter he was with?

APHRODITE: Apparently.

HERMES: Gods… He had me deliver something to her the other day, I can’t believe… Your mom was right, Demeter should know better.

HEPHAESTUS: My mom knows?

ARES: A fair amount of Olympus knows now, I think. Well. If they weren’t too drunk to see clearly, at least. I guess the ambrosia fountain was a good idea after all.

DIONYSUS: It always is, but that’s besides the point. Are you sure you’re okay, Phae? 

HEPHAESTUS: I’m fine, really. I just hope my mom’s okay.

CALLIOPE: Back at the reception, Hera was fishing a furious Zeus out of the ambrosia fountain. She guided him into their house, trying her best to mitigate his anger.

ZEUS: Where is she?

HERA: Zeus–

ZEUS: Stupid little brat of a goddess, pushing me into the fountain–

HERA: Because you were dry humping another goddess at a wedding. In front of her mother. Who is your wife. You can hardly blame her for being upset.

ZEUS: So it’s your fault–

HADES: Let’s think twice before throwing around accusations, Zeus. Especially when it was Hera’s quick thinking that covered your ass; Sephie and I played cover up just as you requested. 

HERA: Thank you, Hades. I appreciate it, truly. I would hate for all of the work done for the wedding to go up in smoke so quickly. What were you thinking, Zeus? Or are you truly incapable of thinking with anything other than you dick?

PERSEPHONE: My mother and I are going to have words later– Oh, Hera, darling, I’m so sorry.

HERA: It’s alright, Sephie. Thank you for doing crowd control for me.

PERSEPHONE: Everyone was drunk enough to think Zeus tripped. And drunk enough to think my mother was you. Why they would make that assumption–

HADES: The people see what they want to see, darling. And what they want to see is Zeus as a good person.

PERSEPHONE: Shame that he’s never been one in his life.

ZEUS: I am still here, you know.

HADES: Brother dear, let me tell you how this is going to work. You are going to keep your mouth shut about the fact that Hephaestus pushed you into the fountain. In return we will keep the press from knowing about your little affair with Demeter. Do you understand me?

ZEUS: Fine. I understand.

HADES: Good. Now, Hera–

HERA: I’ll be alright, Hades. Go back to the reception, enjoy your night.

HADES: I really think–

PERSEPHONE: She knows what she’s doing, darling. We shouldn’t push her. Hera, if you change your mind…

HERA: I know where to find you.

CALLIOPE: When Hephaestus received a call from her uncle telling her things had been taken care of, she wasn’t quite sure what to think. But with company around and a feeling of warmth she hadn’t known in quite some time settling in, she decided it best not to question the facts. Instead, she allowed herself to be smushed on the couch between Dionysus and Aphrodite, a movie no one was paying attention to on the screen and food on the way. For this moment, she felt at peace.

With that, dear listeners, the first chapter of our story draws to a close. What will married life hold for Ares and Aphrodite? What will the new friendships in our group of gods bring? What happens when you fall in love after you get married? These are questions that we will answer together, dear listeners, in due time. Until next time, and as always, thank you for listening.