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CALLIOPE: There are many stories of the gods. They are ancient, after all, and all knowing and ever-present and all of those lovely things people like to ascribe to whatever current lot is running around. But before there were those gods, there were these gods. You have heard tales of them, I’m certain, but not all of them true. Some, of course, were true, but this story that I am laying out for you today is far truer than any you have heard thus far. This story, my dear listener, is the story of Aphrodite and Hephaestus. I’m sure you think you know how this story goes, but history has a funny way of losing the pieces that matter. What we will be presenting to you is the truth of their story, of their love. Because yes, my dear listener, they were in love despite everything the more popular stories will try and tell you. 

It is my honor and privilege to welcome you, dear listeners, to Forged Bonds.

Our story starts on an ordinary evening on Olympus with Aphrodite and Ares, walking side by side as they so often do.

APHRODITE: Of course I had to turn him down.

ARES: Naturally.

APHRODITE: And of course he didn’t take it well–

ARES: They rarely do.

APHRODITE: You did.

ARES: Yeah, because you’re my best friend and me being in love with you wasn’t going to change that. These people don’t know you like I do, they don’t know what you’ve been through or what your heart is like. That’s why they take it so personally.

APHRODITE: It sucks so much, Air. These people really think I owe them dates or one night stands or anything just because what? I’m the goddess of love? Do they not realize that having dominion over love doesn’t mean I fall in love with every person I meet? I’m good at fostering love, not being in love and they just don’t– (sniffles)

ARES: Hey, hey, Dite, it’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong, you’re a person with agency and they should realize that. Do you want me to go bash the guy’s head in? I can play the big, mean god of war for you.

APHRODITE: (sniffling) You hate doing that.

ARES: Yeah, well, I hate seeing my best friend upset more. You know that.

APHRODITE: There’s no point. He’s probably run off telling all of his little friends that I’m some kind of slut even though I didn’t even sleep with him or go on a date with him or know his name. He asked me out and I said no. Believe me, Ares, when this makes the paper again, I didn’t do anything.

ARES: I know, Aph. I know. And besides, I doubt this’ll make the papers anyway; we’re due for another spin on Zeus and Hera’s marriage falling apart, I think. 

APHRODITE: That’ll likely make headlines if there’s something happening. I just hope people aren’t blaming Eros for it. As if he would just force Zeus to sleep with some random woman instead of Zeus just being–

ZEUS: Just being what, Aphrodite?

APHRODITE: (blandly) A horny tool.

ZEUS: You wound me, darling. I’ll have you know that this was a moment of true love–

APHRODITE: Don’t try to lie about love to the goddess of love’s face, Zeus. What do you want?

ZEUS: For you and Ares to come to the palace. Now, preferably. I would like to discuss a matter with the both of you more… discreetly.

ARES: I’m not sure now is a good time…

APHRODITE: (sighing) It’s fine, Air. He won’t give up even if we tell him now. Might as well go along with it.

CALLIOPE: And so the goddess of love and the god of war made their way through the streets of Olympus with the king of the gods. They caught people’s attention, as they so often did, but Zeus was on a mission, not even stopping to charm the nymph who was all but begging for his attention. No, the king of the gods did not stop until they reached the palace, a frustrated looking Hera waiting inside the door.

HERA: You didn’t.

ZEUS: Not yet, my love. That’s what they’re here for.

HERA: Enough with the stupid nicknames, your majesty, they only make me angrier. And bringing them into this–

APHRODITE: Into what?

HERA: You didn’t even give them an idea of what you were going to suggest? What, afraid some minor god would hear it and wouldn’t want to fuck you anymore?

ZEUS: Now that’s hardly fair, Hera–

HERA: Do not. Talk to me about fairness. 

ZEUS: …Very well. Aphrodite, Ares, have a seat. We have much to discuss, after all, would either of you care for ambrosia? 

APHRODITE: If it’s all the same with you, Zeus, I would prefer to get this over with.

ZEUS: Jumping right to the meat of things, I see. A woman after my own heart.

APHRODITE: Not likely.

ZEUS: Anyway, I have called the two of you here to request a favor.

ARES: Not to be rude, but what right do you have to ask either of us for a favor?

ZEUS: Well I’m king of the gods for starters–

HERA: Unfortunately.

ZEUS: And this would increase both of your power and presence in Olympus. So really it’s a win-win.

APHRODITE: What’s the favor?

ZEUS: I need the two of you to get married.

APHRODITE & ARES: What?

ZEUS: Now, now, hear me out. Aphrodite, you have been single for quite some time my dear and as the goddess of love, this is hardly a good look, don’t you think?

ARES: Zeus–

ZEUS: And the people of Olympus love a good wedding, something to take their minds off of all the day to day monotony and gossip and whatnot. The goddess of love, finally getting married? It will be the biggest story of the year, of the century, even. Think of the power, the influence, people will be looking for love at every turn, and that’s more people under your control.

APHRODITE: If you think that love is about control–

ZEUS: –And who better suited for the goddess of love than the god of war? Her oldest friend on all of Olympus, the one person she trusts with everything? Naturally she’d trust him with her heart, don’t you think? And dear Ares, shining pinnacle of Olympus, beloved of Greece, getting to be with the woman of his dreams? It all seems to work out perfectly. It’s like the saying says, ‘all is fair in love and war’ and, well, love and war are quite fair together, don’t you think?

HERA: (blandly) This one stuck his dick somewhere he shouldn’t have and now would like to take the spotlight off himself by making everything someone else’s problem. He chose the two of you. Because he’s an idiot.

ZEUS: Beloved, please–

HERA: If you’re going to try and use them you can at least be honest about it.

ARES: And why in all the stars did you think we would agree to this? Aphrodite and I aren’t in love, do you really think she’s going to marry someone she doesn’t love just because you need to take the heat off yourself?

ZEUS: Well–

APHRODITE: I’ll do it.

ZEUS: (excited) You will?

HERA: (sober, skeptical) You will?

ARES: Dite, listen to me. We don’t need to do this. This is his problem, he can find a solution that isn’t us.

APHRODITE: He’s right, though. Goddess of love, single for her whole life, people have their doubts. If I’m going to be married, I would at least want it to be someone who loves me and who I love and there’s no one better than you for that, Air.

ARES: But what if you fall in love? What if I fall in love?

APHRODITE: Then we’ll work through that as it comes up. You’re my best friend, Ares. Being married to you would hardly be a hardship and it would stop people from talking or asking me out or trying to fuck me or–

I’m being selfish, though. All of this is based on my wants. We need two of us to go through with it and if you’re not comfortable or if you don’t want to, then we don’t. We walk out of here together and get coffee and Zeus can figure out a solution to his own damn problems.

ZEUS: I am still here, you know.

ARES, APHRODITE: Shut up.

ARES: If this is truly what you want, then we’ll do it. You’re my best friend too, Dite, and I’d do anything to protect you. Being married to you would be an honor, as long as it’s what you want.

APHRODITE: It is. I promise.

We’ll do it.

ZEUS: Splendid! I will get an official decree drafted right away to announce your engagement and will help get the entire event planned for you, starting with the rings.

HERA: She won’t work with you and you know it; I’ll get the rings sorted. Aphrodite, Ares, thank you for doing this. As much as my husband deserves to be dragged through the mud–

ZEUS: Again, I’m still here!

HERA: It’s nice to not have to be in the limelight for his mistakes. I’m going to reach out to someone about the rings, once I can get an appointment booked with her I’ll let you know, okay?

CALLIOPE: Elsewhere on Olympus, another goddess was receiving a phone call. Some might assume that this call would be unwelcome, but they do not know the whole of the story. Remember what I said about truer stories, dear listeners, as it applies very heavily to our mother and daughter here. 

HEPHAESTUS: Mom? Is everything okay? …Wedding rings? I don’t know, mom, all of my stuff has always been more… weapon-y. I mean in theory I can make anything, I just like to make knives. Yes, I know you don’t think the knives are necessary, but I don’t think jewelry is necessary– Alright, alright. I’ll make the rings. I make no promises they’ll be good, though! …Thanks, mom. I’ll talk to you again soon? Love you too, bye.

CALLIOPE: Hephaestus, goddess of the forge, was not used to requests coming from her mother. Her step father loved to make requests, but then again he also loved to throw her off of Olympus. She never quite forgave him for that, nor should she have; she has always deserved better than what Zeus did to her and the little bits of affection Hera was allowed to throw her way. One person who understood this much was Dionysus who happens to be making his way to the forge as we speak. 

DIONYSUS: Phae? You home?

HEPHAESTUS: Have you ever known me to be anywhere else, Dionysus? 

DIONYSUS: I have occasionally known you to be in my home, enjoying my splendid company in the name of friendship.

HEPHAESTUS: See, this is why my mother is wrong. If it weren’t for the knives I make, how would I be able to stab you for your stupid joke?

DIONYSUS: (dramatic, playful) You wound me, Hephaestus. Do our years of friendship mean nothing to you?

HEPHAESTUS: (jokingly threatening) I should’ve cut the lot of you off when I had the chance. Sure, it’s hard to survive in the mortal realm as a baby who just got chucked off a mountain, but at least it would’ve kept me away from all of you.

DIONYSUS: Another call from the big man then?

HEPHAESTUS: My mother, actually. She’s requested that I make a piece for Aphrodite. Not my usual fare but it could be interesting.

DIONYSUS: A commission piece for Dite? What’s she done?

HEPHAESTUS: I can assure you that I neither know nor care.

DIONYSUS: Oh come on, Aphrodite isn’t so bad. She’s actually rather sweet when you get to know her.

HEPHAESTUS: I don’t dislike Aphrodite; that would require me to think about her, something I never do. You know I just don’t care for the goings on of Olympus outside of my mom. And you, I suppose, when you’re not being annoying.

DIONYSUS: You love me and you know it.

HEPHAESTUS: Yes, yes, whatever. Did you have a reason for coming down here?

DIONYSUS: I haven’t seen you in a while. Thought I’d come and check on my only friend before I die of loneliness.

HEPHAESTUS: I’m hardly your only friend-

DIONYSUS: We’re both outcasts, Phae.

HEPHAESTUS: Oh please, Dionysus. Everyone loves you.

DIONYSUS: Everyone loves the idea of me. The wine god who’s always down for a party. You’re the only one who knows the real me.

HEPHAESTUS: They’d love that version of you too, you know.

DIONYSUS: Not as real a version as you do.

HEPHAESTUS: Di… (hugging) I love you, you know that right? I know I don’t say it and I threaten you with knives and– You’re the only good thing about this godsdamn place. I love my mom but it’s so hard to see her with him around. She matters, but not as much as you. You’re always here, always looking out for me, always letting me look out for you. More than anything else in this world, I need you, alright?

DIONYSUS: Us outcasts have to stick together, right?

HEPHAESTUS: Always. (a beat, then a snicker) Besides, who else would have done my bottom surgery if not for you? No mortal could do as good a job as you did.

DIONYSUS: (proud) I did excellent work if I do say so myself. So are you going to take the job from your mom?

HEPHAESTUS: I don’t really have a choice, do I? She’s the queen of the gods.

DIONYSUS: She’s also your mom. I know she isn’t around for you often because of the big man, but you always tell me that she loves you. I doubt she would force you to do this if you didn’t want to. 

HEPHAESTUS: You know I hate to disappoint her though.

DIONYSUS: Phae…

HEPHAESTUS: Yes, yes, whatever, she wouldn’t be disappointed it would just feel like she was and– Honestly I’m trying to think of it as a challenge. A new design for an item I’ve never crafted before and an opportunity to work on those ‘interpersonal skills’ you always tell me I’m lacking in.

DIONYSUS: As long as you’re sure, Phae. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.

HEPHAESTUS: I was uncomfortable for years, Di. And then I left Olympus proper and transitioned and got to be more comfortable. I know my limits, I promise.

DIONYSUS: (relenting) Fine, fine. I’m still going to drag you out for a break now, though.

HEPHAESTUS: If by ‘drag me out’ you mean to your place for trash television, then I’m in. If you try to take me to any of those damned clubs in Olympus I’ll–

DIONYSUS: Knife me, yes, I know. Of course I meant trash TV, Cider and Bourbon have missed you too, you know. The little menaces keep knocking things over, I swear they just want you to show up to fix things.

HEPHAESTUS: Well if the cats want me over… Yeah, alright. The project will have to wait til Aphrodite’s schedule clears up a bit anyway. Come on, I wanna see the cats.

CALLIOPE: In two separate parts of Olympus, two separate women are curled up on the couch with their best friends, unknowing of the ties beginning to bind themselves to their souls. What awaits them? Well, you’ll just have to come back next time to find out. Farewell, listeners, and thank you for listening.